I hit rock bottom sitting in a bath tub.  He had left me to be by myself that evening per usual.  I sat there with tears streaming down my face and wailing for someone to, “Please, Help me!” I was in a situation that I could not see any good way out of.  I loved him but was losing every ounce of myself.  I was falling apart and only the cold water seemed to feel my pain.  Little did I know that two years later I would once again find myself in a bath tub but this time sitting across from hope.  Our legs intertwined and our hearts beating together.  This time the water was cooling but it wasn’t what was feeling my emotions.  It was him who had come into my life when I had given up.  I had to let go to be able to find this moment.

You are a pleasant surprise I am not sure I believe yet. But I am enjoying the fact that this might be true. This gives me that happy feeling again. AND that is all I can ask for.

We are not unique. We are not alone. Energy flows in and out of us. We must be willing to accept the energy of the world/universe. But we must also learn to give it back.  This energy has been here since the beginning.  It ran through our ancestors. It ran through every tree, rock, cloud, deer... maybe this is why so many cultures have a sacred energy of some sort i.e. a god, goddess, or just the energy itself.

Love is rarely uncomplicated.  It just proves that even the purest thing is so hard to capture.  It tends to creep up on you and you feel as if you were walking around blind and unaware until you realize that you will never be the same.  You knew it exists and have felt it before but, you forget the sweetness of its taste; of its power.  We keep it in our heart because that is where no on else can see it.  We hold every memory, we grasp onto every word, every thought, every loving touch.  Even though you know it will end and it it is not perfect we still settle for it being now and allow its being.  "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

Universe.. that saucy gal

So, the Universe has a funny way of working herself out.  You can ask and if you are lucky enough she will give it to you.  But, she knows best and if it isn't the best for you she will make sure you get the other thing that should have worked out (it is hard to keep this in mind).

That voice is not the words I wanted to speak

Sometimes I feel like we have a pre-programmed response to everything. Like you have shaped your story over many many many times of telling it.  Examining how other people respond to it, how interested they might seem, their preconceived notions.  Then you automatically respond to a situation, question, or introduction without even thinking.  Then you wish that you had something original to say to that person. You feel guilty for just spewing the pre-programmed crap that society has made you say.  Sometimes you don't even feel that way anymore but, you are just so used to saying it that you can't help yourself.  People judge you on what you say and how you react. Shit, you judge other people on what they say and how they react.  I tend to live in my head and I have the most logical, eloquent, well thought out ideas, thoughts, questions, etc. but, when I go to speak them they just turn to mush and somewhat bland. It is really sad.  Maybe that is why people like social media so much.  Because you can just say something without having to speak it. You can choose not to respond to something or you can think about it longer trying to decide how you really want to react instead of your pre-programmed voice. Or maybe we will never truly get to know anyone else, unless we also lived in their heads.

Tearing at the seams

I am torn between wanting to be here

And wanting to be as far away from this place as possible.

Remember when you are at the bottom.
The world is round and soon you will be on the top!