Roomie.. no mo

So, I just saw on facebook that my room mate is looking for a room mate.... awkward.

Higher Branch

I would be heart broken
If I never reached
My potential.
Because I resorted to the safety
Of others' branches 

Letting go has given me more

than holding on.

Closing one door

About one year ago I closed a door.
I left everything behind that door besides a heart ache.
I was hoping that by closing one door I could open another.
I feel like I have been stumbling around in the dark and not sure where that door is.  But I guess that is the gamble that I took.  I know that trying to peer back into the old shut doors is a trap and painful.  They have opened new doors while I am still waiting in the hallway.  It is frustrating and I am not sure where I am going.

Pointless

What's the point in not living
In the hopes
That we will have a tomorrow

The Permission Slip

I tend to live life by permission slips.  Constantly, doing and not doing things because I have been conditioned to think that I need approval for everything I do.  Of course I am not referring to small items.  I do not ask if I should go to the grocery store.  But, for the the "bigger" things in life I tend to have to ask at least 5 different friends and/or family members if it is what I should do.

How to break this is so daunting to me that it makes my palms sweat and my heart start to race.  But, is life more our own when we make the rules, we set the limits and we allow our selves to live without every other person telling us his or her opinion on a matter they might not fully understand.

But, they can stop you from making pretty big mistakes.  If you just do what you feel then you may make mistakes but at least you tried.

Time running out

Maybe older people are not scared to die
because as you grow you realize that everything comes to an end
First you learn about school, parties and adventures
Then about happiness, sadness, discomfort, or love
Next comes friendships, jobs and experiences
Lastly, I believe that once you have gone through all of those
You are finally come to the realization that even your own life must end
And for some reason you come to terms with it
That's why it is sad when the young die because they have not learned to detach
But mostly the people around them have not learned to detach themselves from them

Looking to the Sky

Every shooting star

I see

I will

Wish for the hope of you

If the earth shook

i just had a thought
would he even call me
if there were an earthquake?

knowing the answer is probably no
breaks my heart
more than when i walked out the door

because it would prove
that he never truly cared
and i gave my heart to someone
who did not deserve it

Reaching the end

I never like to read the last 2 pages of a book.  I close the book, with my finger still trapped inside.  I take a deep breathe and make myself finish the author's last few words, ideas and saying good bye.  I am not sure if it is that I am scared of saying good bye, or that I already know what he will say. 

We are just remnants of past loves
Until we learn to love ourselves

Signing of the Waves

I sit with the sun rays slowly bidding good night and good day
My hair slowly flows with the breeze as the sand mites bite at my toes
I dig my bare feet freshly released from the confinement of their work shoes into the cool sand that seems to give them warmth
My eyes are slowly drying from the tears of loneliness
They glance out onto the never ending energy that supplies the enticement of the dark forms hoping to partake in that energy
Many attempt but a few succeed 
Sometimes only one man at a time
He flays his arms in an attempt to appease Neptune
He accepts his sacrifice and takes him with in his arms
The surfer signs his signature amongst the wave
Carving with great intention but knowing that only the memory will last
His mind might even forget but his body will remember for if not only a moment longer
Once the period is placed the surfer is once again consumed and released from the godly grasp
My eyes follow if at only to partake in his experience
To gather insight but also to realize that he too is alone in that moment
The foam crashes amongst the rocks 
Settling for a brief moment before being pulled back into the whole
With each crash onto the shore slowly attempting to touch my feet
Trying to pull me into it
The surfer is now standing showing that he is taller than the elements
He is escaping the body and retreating to solid ground
For a moment he glances upon me
I have stolen his moment and he has of mine
As soon as he is there, he is gone 
Once again trying to sign the wave

Detaching Happiness

I am onto this new idea of detaching happiness from other people and I guess you could include other things.  I refuse to rely on other people to make myself happy.  It is pretty funny because once I started to do this I find myself just smiling for no apparent reason.  I am not smiling because I met a new guy, won money or someone did something for me.  I am smiling because I am me and I am the only one that can ever make myself truly happy.  Not to say that other people can't make me happy.  I am simply and not so simply saying that it HAS to come from me first and always.  Once, you start detaching yourself from others you will find that you can allow yourself to be happy.  You lose the excuses like "Only if my wife did this for me then I would be happy" or "Only if my boss was nice to me then I would be happy".  People are flawed and everyone is a little self absorbed.  So, to base your happiness on them is a tad foolish.  Happiness is a tiny light shining in everyone.  It is your choice to turn your own light on. Because if you wait for someone else to... then you may stay dimmed for a very long time.

Flaws are the new perfection

We are worried and held down by this sense of perfection.  Everyone feels that they have to be perfect.  But also, people think that they can find the "perfect" someone.  It does not exist.  Perfection is as real as unicorns... If we lost this senseless quest for perfectionism would we find happiness? Is happiness sitting behind this faux shroud of perfect.  When we let the blindfold drop from our eyes will we be facing a life where everything makes sense or at least in the sense that nothing makes sense.  If we allow ourselves to be ourselves and we allow others to be themselves then can we begin to live a satisfactory life.  The shedding of the perfection-scales has to be freeing. We will open our lungs- draw in the air -and for the first time know that we can be what the world needs us to be.  Not perfect but our flawed selves.  

The never happenings

My heart never found its voice
And then it was too late.


My mind never found its place
And then it was too late.


My feet never found its pace
And then it was too late.


My soul had a chance to lift
So it did.
And the body did not matter anymore

The Waves

I can sit here angry and pissed that he moved me 

1,000 miles from my friends

2,000 miles from my family 

And now I am all alone 

But instead

I am going to go learn how to surf

Falling Water

Only when water is Falling
Do you see the Individual Drop

The Pre-programmed Clock

I am swallowed up by this ever feeling of yearning for something or someone.  It is as if  i have lost something that was never even tangible.  I am being pulled upwards into the vast space of your time is running out.  Tick Tick Tick. I can feel every wasted moment.  As I sit here longing to leave. As my body grows weary my mind grows contemptuous.  It taunts my body, my ability to actually live as I would like to live.  I am sitting here because I am suppose to.  Because I am scared not to.  I am left with the ever unanswerable questions of How: When: and: What!?

Out to the Universe

Hey Universe, 

Can you please, do me a solid!?

Heart

The only one I am truly worried about staying in love with

Is me!

Perception

I want to find the ugliest man
And hear him say the most beautiful thing
Then I will know that my senses are deception

The Voice

I give the voice to those who can't find theirs
It is sometimes Beautiful
It is sometimes Ugly
But mostly it had to be said.
And that is the element I hold onto
When the receiver can't see it.

You

Eventhough, you won't admit it
I miss the notion of you.

I am Here.

Now.

Boxed In

I was born in a box

I have spent

The first 26 years

Trying to open the lid

Fading as time goes by

The loneliness is palpable

The ghost of you sits on my chest 

Making it harder to breathe

There is no way backwards

The only hope 

Is to move forward 

Hoping that the air can make it to my lungs

That the tears will dry

And one day this will be a distant memory

Fading as you do 

From my mind and from my heart

The Walls of Self

I am sitting frustrated and confused 

In a fortress of my own making

If not me but the choices i have made

They have resulted in each brick

Love burned is the mortar

The door opens briefly

But closes in the same amount of time

It is testing the atmosphere

But it is protecting the self within

No one else can know

No one else can see

It is too fragile

The fear keeps the bricks strong

The frustration hits the walls

Both from the interior and exterior

One day... you. 

You who my mind does not even know exists

You who my heart and soul hopes does

Will be allowed to enter

But only if you can withstand the arrows

Eros will hit you with his 

Others want in 

But only you shall be given the key

I dare not even say this is only fantasy

Childhood Notions

When I was a child I believed in God.
I would talk with God.
When doubt entered my mind as I grew
I hoped it was better to believe than the other option
When my legs stopped growing and my mind started to
I began to believe that it is better to live your life honestly
You learn that you can not lie to yourself
Not that the whole concept has broken apart
It has simply evolved
God has a new name
Or no name at all
And he is no longer man-made

I do not wish to change the world

I wish to be part of the world

To exist in something that is ever changing

To help with the progression

And not the degradation

If I could choose

I would choose to fall in love with the stars.

But those too are fading

And just an illusion
Of something great
That does not exist anymore.

The Epic Battle

The wings on my back

Are trying to pull up

The roots on my feet

It's like I am stuck in an avalanche and don't know which way is up

How to become famous in LA

1. Talk about your-self- ALL THE TIME
2. Say everything you are doing is a BIG DEAL!
3. Wear really tight clothes 
4. Only look slightly to the right, left or above any body else in the room
5. Drive a Prius

Home

Lately, I have been thinking what does home mean?  I have had a few homes in my life and at the moment they were home and I felt their comfort they allowed me.  But, at this moment in time I feel as if I am lost and searching for a home which I am not sure exists anymore.  Can you go back to the place that was once your home and expect it to feel like your home?  Can you go back to your childhood home and expect to feel the same comfort and attachment as you once did?  Was it the walls and the roof that brought that comfort?  Was it the memories and the times you had in that place? Or was it even the place at all?  When I am in the mountains I feel at home but I am not confined to a structure.  I feel at home when I am staring at the ocean but there is no carpet just sand. There is not roof just sky.  I feel at home when I am sitting around a fire in the middle of the woods with my closest friends.  I feel at home when I am talking about the reason why we are alive in a bar.  I feel at home when I can cry on my friend's shoulder on her couch.  I feel most at home when I am smiling and laughing with my family sitting on the porch.  But, for some reason I do not feel at home here.  I feel lost and disconnected.  I feel a million miles from where I am suppose to be.  I am in a haze and do not know how to clear the fog away.  I do not know how to make the home feeling when I am all alone. I guess being alone is my opposite of home.  I am away. I feel as if my response to everything should be, "I am not home at the moment. I have stepped away". 

Theory #1

I have some how generated this theory that I can only do one amazing thing in life.  Therefore, it has to be the best thing possible. Therefore, I wait. I wait until it is the "perfect" something. But, what I am trying to re-program myself to think is that it isn't just one thing. I can do multiple things. Maybe, I have and not even realized that I was doing that something amazing. But, I guess the markers to me would be something that would be left if I departed or rather when I depart from this body into the greater energy.  I would like to look at each new day as a new opportunity to do that something amazing. Someone departed this world last week that was that saying to a tee. He traveled, had amazing adventures, touched people's lives and will be greatly missed. But, he LIVED! Now, to just realize that I am living and that every day could be the time for my something to happen. 

My energy is controlled by the sun
But my mood; my mood is by the moon

Boredom is knocking once again

Hello my friend.

You never make yourself a stranger for too long. 

Why do you seem to be the only constant in my life? 

How can I make you leave? 

 You think you have a right to be here? 

Are you trying to tell me something or just make it so I will never be satisfied with where I am at and what I am doing? 

 If you are here to help then help and then leave. 

If you are here to just make my life more difficult then I am not interested. 

Boredom you are a curse and a catalyst. 

I just want to know for how long you will be here this time.